Wed 9th - Daily Tabloid - Keane's business agents exposed

Keane's "business advisers", yesterday

It has long been assumed that disgraced alleged liar and squanderer of other peoples’ money, Dominic Keane, has been deliberately stalling the process of handing over his worthless Livi shares to the LionHeart consortium, thus securing the Club’s survival. However, leaked papers handed anonymously into the Tabloid office prove this is not the case, as Keane transferred the handling of his business affairs to his agents some time ago. And it is these agents who have caused the lengthy delay, not Keane, who as we all know is completely innocent of everything as big boys made him do it.

So who are these agents? Readers will be shocked to learn that they are none other than the Chuckle Brothers, yes them off the telly. The slapstick duo have added Keane’s business dealings to their already lengthy portfolio of contracted work. Other firms under their guardianship include:

• Fred’s Insect Auctions
• Fred's Large Cardboard Box Co
• Fred’s Clown-Only Garage
• The Vatican

We paid the Chuckle Brothers’ office a surprise visit and were met at the door by the short one, Barry Chuckle. “Oh dear, oh dear” he said when we asked to actually see Keane’s shares for ourselves. However, we were invited in for a cup of tea as Barry and taller brother Paul searched through a mountain of assorted papers, documents and trumpets.

They were eventually located, but we were prevented from seeing them properly by the duo's endless chorus of “to you, to me, to you, to me…” as they passed the bundle of shares between them. Eventually we left empty-handed, however the Brothers were kind enough to offer us a ride to the bus in their Chucklemobile, a gazebo-covered pedal car.

So, is this just another poor business decision by Keane: hiring idiots to handle his affairs? Or are the Chuckle Brothers, in fact, specialist tricksters contracted to deliberately delay matters further? Only time will tell.