Sss Pee Hell Season Review by Spike

Last updated : 05 June 2004 By Dov

BOS Prem
Well, it’s been a weird and wonderful season, full of lows and highs for almost every fan. And now I’m going to attempt to recap it in glorious detail. Cast your mind back and relive some of the events that made Front and Back Page headlines…

The season starts in controversial style, due to some comments made by Chris Sutton. On the final day of the previous season, he had accused the Iraqi Republican Guard of “lying down” to the Allied invasion force, which naturally caused a furore. To date, Sutton has still not apologised for his shameful remarks. Henrik Larsson showed how wonderful he is by single-handedly catching Osama Bin Laden. Possibly.

Ohh samma ben ladin

Following the 1-0 annihilation of somebody, the Scotland team were drawn against Holland in the Euro 2004 play offs. Good news is Advocaat is with the Dutch, bad news is The Little Genital doesn’t have his old Rangers team with him. Scotland win 1-0 at Hampden and give a good showing themselves until kick off in the Second Leg. They get gubbed 6-0, with Barry Ferguson just shading Lee Wilkie for Dutch Man of the Match.

Christian Dailly misses the Second Leg annihilation due to his receiving psychological counselling to stop him uttering the ‘F’ word on live TV. When Chick Young asks him how the course went, Christian responds “F&ck*ng Marvellous, you F*kking F**k”

Scotland striker Paul Dickov is arrested in La Manga for chasing Le Minge. Most fans fail to see the irony in a Scotland striker being accused of “penetrating”. Charges are later dropped quicker than a football from the hands of Rab Douglas. Scotland continue their run of great form by getting humped by Wales, Denmark, Romania and Azerbaijan Under 7’s Handicapped Kittens. Berti Vogts is offered a new 200 year contract. Henrik Larsson cures cancer, and erases all copies of the two Matrix sequels. Chris Sutton accuses his wife of “lying down” in bed. Fernando Ricksen twats somebody.

Cwis twatface sutton

In Club football, Livingston sadly fail to ‘oscillate’ enough for new “hands-on” manager Marcio “Scud Vids” Maximo. Davie Hay is brought back and promptly ‘oscillates’ Guy Ipoua’s somewhat capacious arse into the obscurity of the reserves. Dunfermline install a new plastic pitch, capable of removing all the flesh from a man in 14 seconds. Hannibal Lector buys a Pars season ticket. Well, someone had to. Chris Sutton accuses the pitch of ‘lying down’. Nuno Capucho gets his trouser snake out in a nightclub and is promptly nicked. An un-named English arsehole accuses Capucho’s tadger of ‘lying down’.

John Charles dies. It’s a bad day, especially for John Charles. Many football luminaries attend the funeral of an all-time great. Slight furore at the funeral when the corpse is accused of ‘lying down’ by Chris Sutton. Henrik Larsson wins the Rugby World Cup. Saddam Hussein is caught, looking old, decrepid and with a dodgy knee. Alex Mcleish bids £4m immediately. David Murray gives him a slap.

Shock in Aberdeen, as, in a tearful confession, Steve Patterson admits to being sh*t. “He fits in really well around here,” confirms Keith Wyness. Darren Fletcher is shocked to find Mulder and Scully at his front door. They thought that rumours of a decent Scottish footballer were “pretty f*ck!n’ weird.” Preach on Scully.

Motherwell part company with James McFadden, who, after months of rumour and speculation signs for Everton. Where he is sh*t. Stephen Pearson is also leaving, due to his sharing the rugged good looks of the average Celtic fan, he is signed by O’Neill’s entertainers. And fits in well, by playing sh*t.

David Marshall becomes a new over-hyped hero, after three Barcelona players punt a ball off him. He is compared to all the great Scottish keepers. Which doesn’t take too long. Thankfully, Aiden McGeady is ready to become Rob McLean and Sandy Clarks new w@nk hero after they discover Marshall is actually pants. Furore in the tabloids when Chris Sutton accuses Stephen Hawking of “lying down” to motor neurone disease.

After eating 11 youth players, Bobby Williamson is off to Plymouth.

I ate all the pies

He will be sorely missed by opposition teams who need the points gained by cuffing Hibs regularly. Livi win the CIS Cup, a month after going into administration. Henrik Larsson wins the Nobel Peace prize, for his tap-in against Partick. Anger abounds when Chris Sutton accuses Chris Sutton of ‘lying down’ to Villareal.

Box office records around the world are broken when the sequel to Being John Malkovich is released. Being Henrik Larsson receives rave reviews in small cinemas, but strangely refuses to go to bigger and better cinemas, staying for the easy money in the small ones. (It’s an analogy, see?) Chris Sutton accuses the old box-office record holders of ‘lying down’ to the new film.

Shock pictures are released around the world of American soldiers cruelly abusing Iraqi PoWs by making them watch Scottish football. With Sandy Clarks commentary turned up high. Kofi Annan says this is “the worst act of cruelty inflicted on anyone since the last Westlife record.” A Westlife spokesman responds “Harsh, but fair.”

Controversy at Livingston when John Paul McGovern asks Davie Hay “Did you see my last match?” Hay responds “every time I see you play, I hope it IS your last match.”

Neil Lennon (SEE BELOW) is upset when someone spray paints “John Lennon is a dead man” outside his house. Thankfully, someone is there to read it for him. When asked if his attitude problem is partly to blame Lennon responds “you saying I’ve got an attitude problem? You want some do you?”

Neil Lemon