TABLOID 20 JUN - Fife snake warning to West Lothian residents

Last updated : 20 June 2005 By Lion Fife-Barsteward

The devious back-biting "sleekitus Yorkstonius", yesterday
Legendary botanist and TV naturalist, Lord David Attenborough, today revealed to the world the existence of a new species of venomous snake - in FIFE!


Scotland
has been populated by a potentially deadly snake for millions of years, that being the adder. However the discovery of this new strain of lethal serpent has caused shockwaves around the animal world and Fife. Lord Attenborough spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Tabloid and told us more about the slithery new threat from across the Forth.


“The new species has been named
‘Sleekitus Yorkstonius’
and it’s utterly deadly” he told our stunned reporter. “To look at, it’s nothing stunning: it’s fairly small and insignificant actually. It will avoid your stare, which is unusual for a snake, but as soon as you turn your back it strikes. Its preferred habitat is artificial surroundings, and it has a deep dislike of natural vegetation for some unknown reason.”


Clearly excited, he continued “it has a most unusual method of biting. Instead of a full-on strike, it sneaks around and applies it’s venom by stealth, but only when the victim has his back turned. It has a close cousin across the Firth of Tay called
‘Bitterus Marrii’ which acts in a similar way, but it seldom attacks bigger prey, preferring to gesture from a distance instead.”


So the scientific community is in a whirl about this new snake, but is it likely to spread across the Forth?


“It’s a possibility”
Lord Attenborough replied disturbingly. “I have heard of one case in Livingston where a Mr Flynn was bitten by a Yorkstonius when his back was turned. The creature managed to slither furtively away into some plastic straw, but I’m glad to say Mr Flynn is built of strong stuff and the Fife snake’s venom has had little effect on him.”


So the message to all in West Lothian is watch your backs - there’s a snake from Fife around!